I had this sort of epiphany over the holidays that hit me out of the blue. I had just worked on a project for several hours for a friend and it went completely unacknowledged – not even a text to say “got it.” Out of no where the epiphany came. I told Matthew I had a realization about the movie, “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Of course he knew what I was talking about and instantly replied, “George Bailey was about to die.” I had always looked at that movie with such optimism. No matter what happens in life, it’s always a good idea to help others in need. Unless of course your life gets so desperate you feel suicidal. That part now seemed a bit glossed over to me somewhere between the bell ringing and the group chorus of “Auld Lang Syne.”
With the start of this new year, I officially consider myself out of the “trenches.” It’s a place full of sleepless nights and diapers, trying to navigate nursing while raising 1, 2 or 3 other kids. We’ve made great strides. We get to church moderately on time. We get to school on time (WHAT?!?). My kids eat less pizza and more vegetables. But somewhere in all of this I’ve realized that some people view “Mom” as my only identity. And that stings. I’ve spent so much time sacrificing for others that the reality has become I have lost myself. I unfortunately suffered through some very damaging friendships at a young age which lead me to fall into the category of “close friends, but not too close” with others as I finished school. I loved and respected friends but was always inherently afraid of their rejection. Some scars never heal. Which was why I was always led to serve. I can’t turn it off. It’s a part of my soul forever put there when those initial rejections took place. I knew I could never be cruel to others the way they were to me. And honestly? Helping others makes me really happy. Which leads me to today.
I’m going to continue to focus on our little family. Being a peacemaker is exhausting and as my fancy new Garmin is telling me, getting an average of 5 hours of sleep a night is not actually that healthy for you. I need to go from this to this…one day at a time.